Dammit Jim, What Did You Do!
by Scarlett Rogue
Summary: After an eventful Shore Leave, Spock is throwing up, Kirk is considering a vasectomy, McCoy is skeptical, and the bridge crew will never let them live it down. Or, Jim finds out something new about Vulcans every day. NO mpreg


**Summary: After an eventful Shore Leave, Spock is throwing up, Kirk is considering a vasectomy, McCoy is skeptical, and the bridge crew will never let them live it down. Or, Jim finds out something new about Vulcans every day. NO mpreg  
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** Rated: T for mentions of sex and lots of swearing...Thanks, Bones.**

**Hey there folks! Haven't posted in a while (well, a while for me) so here is something I've been thinking about typing up for a while now, but haven't gotten around to it. Reviews are much appreciated. **

**::WARNING:: Now, I've only seen two episodes of TOS and two of Voyager (yes, I know, I suck at life) but I'm at least 97% sure this story won't be canon due to some random Vulcan stuff I added in. So, if you hate non-canon stories (which makes me laugh, because ALL fan fiction is non-canon in some way) then don't even bother reading this, b/c I'm not in the mood for anonymous reviews telling me I go my canon wrong. Thanks :)**

Captain Kirk stepped onto the bridge and looked around at his crew, his smile big and welcoming. As much as he loved Shore leave, he would admit to missing his crew and their work together. They had some pretty interesting adventures on this ship, after all. But he enjoyed Shore leave a lot. As did Spock, he assumed.

The Vulcan in question joined his Captain on the bridge and they exchanged a quick glance before Spock went to take his seat. Jim could feel a cocky smile forming and he tried to push it away. No way Spock would let him do what he did again if he thought the Captain was flaunting it. But how could he expect Jim to act like the last two weeks weren't the best days of his life so far?

"Mr. Scott, how's she holding up?" He asked as he sat in the chair, finger on the communication button.

"She cannae do better if I tried, Sir."

"Excellent. Mr. Sulu, take us away."

"Aye, Captain." Kirk yawned quietly. He was still so tired after last night, and the lack of an entertaining mission wouldn't help him wake up. All they had to do was fly from here to Delta Vega and back, and make sure that nobody was trying to dumb any crap into the atmosphere surrounding the planet. Most cargo ships did this because Delta Vega was considered a useless planet, and Kirk couldn't agree more, but the Federation wanted them to keep the atmosphere clean. Very boring job.

Kirk was pulled out of his thoughts by the faint sound of someone groaning. He peered over at his first officer, who was clutching his stomach with a look of discomfort on his handsome face.

"Mr. Spock, are you alright?" Spock jumped a little as if he had forgotten that there was anyone else in the room.

"Yes, Captain. I am...Excuse me." Spock jumped up from his seat and left the bridge quickly. Uhura nodded her head toward his direction and Kirk stood up as well.

"I'll be right back. Chekov, you have the con." Kirk wandered through the corridors in search of his bond mate, thinking Spock must have gone to the science lab. As he passed by the bathroom he heard someone retching and decided to see if they were okay.

"Hey, in there, you alr- Spock!" Jim knelt on his ground next to his lover and rubbed his back soothingly as the Vulcan discarded his breakfast in the toilet.

"I...I apologize, Jim. I am okay now."

"Are you sure? Do you need to see Bones?"

"Your concern is appreciated, but unnecessary. I am in good health now." Spock stood up and, to Jim's discomfort, wobbled on his feet before standing steady. Jim linked his arm in Spock's and guided him back to the bridge. Normally Spock didn't like them to be too close when on duty, but he didn't protest this time. That concerned Jim greatly.

Spock sat back down and Kirk went to peek over Chekov's shoulder to see what was happening around Delta Vega's atmosphere. They were in position and had no other choice but to wait for a few hours. Very boring.

"Ugh..." Kirk glanced up to see Spock holding his stomach again, looking like he might run back to the toilet.

_Okay, this ends now!_

"Kirk to McCoy, can you come down to the bridge? Bring your tri-corder, please. We have an issue." Spock shook his head, but Jim was in full blown over-protective-lover mode.

"Jim, what the hell is going on?" McCoy asked as he rushed on the bridge.

"Spock is sick." McCoy immediately began scanning the Vulcan for symptoms.

"Tell me what's wrong, Spock."

"Well, Doctor. It appears I cannot keep any food down. This is, of course, a common symptom of human flus, but I have no change in body temperature, nor does the ejecting feeling last after the act." Everyone else rolled their eyes at Spock's analytical description but McCoy nodded thoughtfully.

"You aren't pregnant, are you?" He asked. Kirk started laughing, as did most people on the bridge. It was so like Bones to crack a joke when Jim was already really worried.

"I do not think so, Doctor." Was Spock's serious answer.

"Are you absolutely sure?" Bones began scanning over Spock's stomach to get a reading.

"Of course he isn't, Bones! He's a man," Jim said with a laugh. After neither answered, Jim started to get worried. "You can't, right?"

"Actually, he can. Dammit, Jim, what have you done!"

Jim was mentally freaking out. Since when could Vulcan males get pregnant? And why hadn't Spock warned him about this before? If he had known, he would have had a vasectomy, or...okay, maybe not that far, but still!

"Perhaps I should have mentioned this before you two started banging each other. Most Vulcan males _can't _get pregnant, but a very small number are born with such an ability. Spock is one of these individuals that can."

_Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!_

"So...Is he...?"

"No. His body is showing false symptoms. He's perfectly healthy."

_Yes! This means I don't have to get a vasectomy! Or...maybe I should? Just in case? _

"He's fine, Jim!" McCoy said as he saw worry overcome his friend's features. "You want my advice?"

"For what?"

"To ease your worry." Jim nodded enthusiastically as he stared at Spock's sallow-looking face.

"Next time, pull out."

Jim gaped at the Doctor as he walked off the bridge slowly, a smile on his face. Spock buried his head in his hands to hide the green blush, and the entire crew was laughing. Not with them, at them.

Over the sound of laughter and teasing, one innocent Russian voice stood out from all the rest.

"But Doctor, I thought zhe pull-out method didn't work most of zhe time!"

**And there you have it: Chekov teaches sex-ed. Wouldn't that be hilarious? Okay, I know this wasn't that good. Too much dialogue. Some things translate better to film than story, and this is one of them, I think. Anyways, please let me know what you thought! Thanks for reading.**


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